


if i could, then i would (jump up to the moon)

by buddhaghost



Category: Naruto
Genre: 5+1 Things, Hurt/Comfort, Hyuuga Clan is problematic, Hyuuga Neji-centric, M/M, Physical Abuse, Pre-Slash, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:48:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28429530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buddhaghost/pseuds/buddhaghost
Summary: 5 times someone cared for Neji, and 1 time he cared for himself
Relationships: Hyuuga Hinata & Hyuuga Neji, Hyuuga Neji & Maito Gai | Might Guy, Hyuuga Neji & Rock Lee, Hyuuga Neji & Tenten, Hyuuga Neji/Nara Shikamaru
Comments: 13
Kudos: 90





	if i could, then i would (jump up to the moon)

**Author's Note:**

> not beta read, though I myself have read this over so many times that words dont make sense anymore. thus, please let me know if there are any glaring issues
> 
> also, I tagged Neji/Shikamaru cause that's how I imagine them but their relationship is not the main focus of the story

**1; Hinata**

“Kneel.”

Neji pauses, his back to his uncle. They’ve just finished training, which had Neji pushing himself to his limits, as usual. He’d been heading back to his quarters, trying to hide his limp while doing so. But his uncle must’ve noticed something, or has determined this training to have had some sort of unsatisfactory result, if this request is being made.

He must hesitate for a moment too long – sloppy, careless, _he knows better_ – because then the Seal hidden behind his headband pulses and he is sent to his knees anyways.

Neji’s body is locked into position; his jaw tight even though he wants to loosen it, to be able to fully inhale and exhale and prepare for what is about to happen. The sensation of the Seal is not foreign; the needle thin shards of ice that seem to emanate out from it, piercing into his mind, until the all-encompassing pain is all he knows.

The first time his uncle had used the Seal on him, Neji had been four years old. He’d been crying. The Seal had put a stop to that.

Now, he’s unfortunately accustomed to the discomfort of having his will controlled in this manner. He knows better than to fight it; in fact, he should know better, by now, to follow a direct order, especially when coming from his uncle.

The shards hurt. Neji hurts. His body is already tired from training, his right leg aches deep from where he’d been too slow to dodge a brutal kick. His knees are beginning to ache from where he’d fallen on to the hard ground with the Seal activation. The first time, when his uncle had first acknowledged him and offered to train him, Neji had fought the Seal. He hates how with it, his body will never truly be his own. He belongs to the main branch – that has been clear since the moment he was born and is made clearer every time the Seal is activated.

Sometimes, Neji isn’t even sure if the Seal is really being activated, or if he’s just become so accustomed to it that whenever he receives an order, the phantom pain of icy needles comes with it.

Regardless, he knows what’s coming, and Seal or not, things would just get much worse if he were to try and move, try and escape. Even though he’s not sure what he did, he knows that accepting his punishment and moving on has proven to be the quickest and easiest course of action.

He knows what’s going to happen; Neji just wishes he could shift his weight a bit, rest his palms on his thighs, bow his head. The Seal allows for none of that, his body locked into position, and Neji just wishes he’d reacted fast enough when Hiashi had commanded him to kneel.

The blessing and curse of the Byakugan is that he can see exactly what is happening behind him. He can see as some other member of the clan approaches Hiashi, bows and presents him with a nondescript length of leather. He can see as Hiashi accepts it, dismisses the other man, and begins to wrap one end of it around his knuckles, holding it in his fist. He can see as Hiashi rears his arm back, and if Neji could, he’d tense in anticipation of the blow.

This sort of punishment is rather archaic, even by Hyuga clan standards. There are different, easier methods to put him in his place. But Neji supposes none are as satisfying for Hiashi as this.

Before the first blow can land, however, there’s a new presence leaping into the training ground.

“Father!”

Hinata. Neji blanches, and Hiashi slowly lowers his arm, turning to his daughter. Hinata isn’t unaware that these sorts of punishments are dealt out to Neji and other branch family members, but she’s normally not around when Neji’s in this position.

“Hinata.” Hiashi’s voice is cold as he addresses his eldest. “What is it.”

“Sorry, father,” Hinata’s voice is light, her words timid, as usual, but Neji senses something else. “The Hokage has requested Neji’s presence.”

Mild surprise floods though Neji, as well as a tiny seed of relief, of hope, though he doesn’t tend to that. He cannot go unless Hiashi allows him to, and hoping to escape the punishment is futile.

Hiashi has paused as well. “Is that so,” he says, voice dark.

“Yes,” Hinata says, and Neji suddenly identifies what he’d heard when his cousin had first spoken. There’s something strong, steely in her tone, hidden behind the timidness. “His team has been requested for a time-sensitive mission.”

For a moment, nobody moves. Hinata and Hiashi are still out of Neji’s direct line of sight, but he can still see them; Hiashi, fist still curled around the leather strap, staring at his daughter, who stands a few meters away, not breaking eye contact.

“Very well,” Hiashi finally concedes, though his tone is black. Neji is not naïve enough to think that he’s gotten out of this, but for the moment, he’s safe.

The shards emanating from his forehead recede all at once, and Neji blinks as his body becomes his own again. Stiffly, he rises to his feet, ignoring how his muscles protest the movement, then turns on his heel to face Hiashi and falls into a deep bow.

“Report back immediately upon completing the mission,” Hiashi orders, and Neji can read the warning in his words. The mission, like every mission he goes on, must be a success, or his worth to his clan is rendered useless.

“Yes sir,” Neji says, still in his bow, before straightening and following Hinata robotically.

Hinata leads him out of the compound, and Neji automatically turns in the direction of the Hokage’s office. He’s stopped by Hinata, who steps into his path.

“What are you doing,” Neji says flatly. Hinata is his cousin, yes, and his life’s purpose is to serve and protect her as a member of the main branch, but beyond that, they don’t interact much.

The steel Hinata had expressed when speaking with her father is gone; she’s back to looking nervous, wringing her fingers and not looking at Neji. “Well, ah, there’s not actually any mission,” she says, her voice getting squeakier with each word.

Neji’s mind goes blank. No mission? Then that must mean he has to go back in there, face his uncle again.

As if reading his mind, Hinata reaches out, stopping just before she grabs onto his arm. He stares at her, and she drops her hand again to her side, her over-sized sleeves falling to cover her hands. “My father doesn’t know that,” she says, a touch frantically. “So I was thinking… that… it might be nice to get away for a bit.”

Neji stares at his cousin, uncomprehending. If there was no mission to begin with, there was no reason for her to interfere as she had, no reason for the punishment to be stopped.

Hinata’s back to staring at him with her wide eyes that are like a mirror image of his own. Neji shifts uncomfortably, feeling the phantom piercing from the Seal. What were Hinata’s intentions? He can’t figure her out. Her actions aren’t making sense.

“Why?” He asks simply.

Hinata looks surprised, then her expression falls. “I just…” she trails off, then rallies again. “I just didn’t think that was necessary.”

Neji glares at her. “You’re a fool,” he says. “It’s the way things must be.” Not for the first time, he curses the birth order of their fathers, the ways of their clan. Resents Hinata for being naïve enough to care what happens, to think she can stop the natural order of things just because they don’t align with her sense of right and wrong.

“Maybe,” Hinata agrees, surprising Neji. “But fool or not, I’m not letting you go back there. Not yet.” She turns, gesturing with her hand for Neji to follow. “Right now you’re supposed to be on a mission, but surely there are some other things we could do to pass the time.”

Neji blinks. He and Hinata have never really interacted in this way. He’s not entirely sure where this attitude is coming from. He knows she was recently put on a genin team; perhaps there’s been some influence there.

Though he knows he should return to the compound, Neji finds himself turning to his cousin. He tells himself it’s because of her position in the main branch; he has to do what she says. But he also knows that she wouldn’t stop him if he did turn around and go back to face his uncle, her father. She knows that he is caged, his actions are not his own, and in some twisted way, she’s a part of that, and he can never truly separate her from it. Yet she has never acted according to their respective roles as main family and branch family; she lets Neji act upon his own volition.

There must be an ulterior motive of hers, one that hasn’t come to light yet. There has to be, because otherwise, Neji’s not sure what to think. Sighing, he resigns himself to finding out what it is, and follows after her.

**2; Gai**

It’s late after training; the sky is a deep purple, almost black, the sun having disappeared past the horizon ages ago. Tenten had wandered off some time ago, interested in a shower, while Lee had challenged himself to running around the village fifty times before allowing himself to stop for dinner.

Neji stands at the edge of the training area, poised to head back to the Hyuga compound. But for some reason, he can’t bring himself to move.

Not in the way he can’t move when the Seal is activated; every cell alight with pain that spread like roots through his body. This is different; he knows he can move; he knows he _should_ move, but he just. Can’t.

There’s a soft wind that lifts his hair from the back of his neck, mercifully cool. He’s still sticky with sweat and his muscles are stiff and sore from use. He longs for a shower, for a hot meal, for a night’s rest.

All those things wait for him back at the compound. But still, he can’t bring himself to move.

“Neji?”

Neji tenses minutely. It’s Gai-sensei, approaching from behind. Of course, Neji sensed him before he’d even called out to him, but he waits until the man is standing next to him before acknowledging that he heard him with a tilt of his head.

“What are you still doing here?” Gai asks, looking down at Neji with an unreadable expression. Neji knows that his sensei can be unreasonably emotional at times, but he also has an uncanny ability to read others. And right now, Neji is feeling distinctly _read._

Neji tilts his head up, regarding the sky. “I was just about to head home,” he says, even though that’s not particularly true. He’s not sure what he was about to do, but the thought of going back to the compound physically drains him. Even though Neji knows it’s ridiculous and frankly a dangerous notion, having distance between him and his clan is soothing, especially at times like these, when he’s feeling exhausted and vulnerable.

Gai-sensei clucks his tongue, still regarding Neji with a keen eye. “Is that so? Well, I’m headed in that direction, so why don’t I walk with you?”

“That won’t be necessary,” Neji insists.

“Nonsense! What sort of sensei would I be if I let you walk home needlessly alone?” When Neji doesn’t respond, Gai snaps his fingers. “Here’s an idea! It is getting late, why don’t you just come back to my apartment with me? It would truly be my honor and pleasure to cook dinner for you.”

Neji turns to stare at his sensei, who has his trademark grin on. “I’m expected back at the compound,” he tries to explain, though he’s not quite sure why he’s resisting his sensei’s invite. It actually sounds kind of… nice, going back to Gai’s apartment and having dinner with him, rather than returning to the Hyuga clan compound.

“Understandably,” Gai agrees. “You are an exceptional member of the family, and great company. But I think they will let this one time slide, eh? As your sensei, I insist I treat you to dinner!” He then looks Neji up and down with a critical eye. “You are in dire need of a good meal!” Gai declares, though Neji’s not sure what he means by that. “I’ll speak with your clan head myself if I must.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Neji says firmly, because he doesn’t think that Gai’s unfailing optimism would mesh well with the stern Hyuga clan, before falling silent, contemplating his options. Though he technically is expected back at the compound promptly after training each day, there couldn’t be any lasting harm in accepting Gai’s offer. In fact, it would probably be easier to do so than to turn Gai down, because Neji has seen first-hand how insistent his sensei can be. And it’s not unreasonable, having dinner with his sensei – if he does get questioned, Neji can say it was a mandatory team meal.

And he really, _really_ doesn’t want to be in the compound right now. The thought of being there, surrounded by tall walls and dozens of prying eyes, makes his skin crawl.

Gai-sensei is still looking at Neji with an even expression. No expectations, no hidden motives. It’s purely Neji’s decision. He has the opportunity to decide what he _wants_.

So, Neji nods his head. “That… sounds nice,” he says.

Gai’s overly dramatic reaction, complete with the threat of tears and joyous exclamations of youth, is familiar, and to be expected, and Neji finds himself relaxing with each step towards town he takes alongside his sensei. 

**3; Lee**

Neji stares at his hands.

They’re trembling minutely, fingers outstretched and twitching, out of his control. He regards them with faint annoyance before closing his eyes and taking a steadying breath, filling his lungs and clearing his mind of all thoughts as he exhales slowly.

When he opens his eyes again, his fingers are still quivering. Neji glares at them before closing his hands into fists, hiding the tremors from his sight.

He swallows down a rising feeling of – irrational – panic and frustration. He’s meeting with his team for training, and he managed to arrive early, despite having trained extensively with his uncle back at the Hyuga compound.

Which is why he’s in this situation in the first place; muscles trembling, what is visible of his arms and legs already starting to display some spectacular bruising, not to mention what is hidden beneath his clothes. And Neji has been trying to wrap his forearms and shins, as he typically does.

But the tremors in his hands are making it remarkably difficult to achieve such a simple task.

Neji closes his eyes, centering himself. He _must_ do this before his team arrives; it would be humiliating to have to explain what happened, to show this sort of weakness in front of them. He reaches back for the tape that he’d discarded on the ground, determined. He should be better than this, stronger, so that he’s not reduced to a quivering wreck after training.

Neji shudders involuntarily, thinking what his uncle would say if he could see him, and instead focuses harder on the tape, fingers searching for the start.

“Neji! You’re here early.” It’s Lee, and he doesn’t sound too pleased to see Neji here before him. Neji starts, dropping the tape and cursing himself. He’d been so focused on the tape, lulled into a sense of security by the familiarity of the training ground, that he’d missed Lee’s approach from behind. Foolish. Had Lee been an enemy, he wouldn’t have announced his presence like that. Neji is again reminded that he can’t afford to let his guard down anywhere.

Neji doesn’t respond, just reaches for the tape again, grunting as his ribs protest the movement. Lee’s walked into his line of view now, arms crossed, though his expression shifts when his eyes land on Neji’s form. Neji watches as his teammate’s gaze goes straight to his bare forearms, catching on the bruising, though Lee mercifully doesn’t comment on it. Instead, he follows Neji’s hands, landing on the tape that had fallen to the ground.

Lee drops into a crouch in front of Neji, scooping up the tape with nimble fingers. Neji sits up, blowing out a breath. “Can I have that back,” he says flatly, crossing his arms in an effort to hide his forearms from view. He would reach out for the tape, but he doesn’t really want Lee seeing his shaking hands. He doesn’t really want Lee seeing him like this in general, but it’s a little too late for that. Neji curses his decision to get out of the compound as fast as he had; if only he’d stayed and wrapped his arms and legs there, rather than fleeing it as soon as he could like some sort of coward, he wouldn’t be in this situation.

Lee looks from the tape in his hands to Neji’s hunched form and back again. “No,” Lee says. Before Neji can snap at him, however, he gestures for Neji’s arms. “Let me.”

“No thank you,” Neji says brusquely, not moving. Lee stares at him, unimpressed.

“Either you let me wrap your arms or I tell Gai-sensei you are unable to train today,” he threatens.

Neji glares at his teammate, too angry for words at the moment. Lee glares right back at him, mulish expression telling Neji that he’s not going to budge on this.

“…Fine,” Neji says through clenched teeth. Ignoring how his instincts scream _wrong, wrong, hide, protect yourself,_ he slowly extends his arm out, letting it rest loosely on his knee.

Lee, to his credit, doesn’t say anything about the bruising, or the occasional tremors running through his arm. Rather, he does exactly as he said he would; quickly and efficiently wrapping Neji’s arm before motioning for his other one. Neji slowly reveals that arm to Lee as well, silently marveling at the professional manner in which Lee does the wrapping. Both his arms had been throbbing painfully when he’d arrived but have now faded to a dull pulse. He stretches his fingers, marveling at how the tremors have seemed to fade as well. 

Lee moves onto his legs next, wrapping the tape from his ankles to the hem of his pants tightly, but not in a constricting manner. Neji holds himself as still as possible throughout the whole thing, flinching when Lee accidentally grazes his skin with his knuckles, watching the other boy’s every move.

Finished, Lee rises gracefully from his crouch, and watches as Neji grudgingly admires his handiwork. If he’s curious about what happened, he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he offers Neji his hand.

“You are truly a formidable teammate, Neji,” Lee says in his serious voice that Neji has become accustomed to after working with the other boy for so long. “Training as hard as you do.” He closes his eyes, apparently overcome with emotion, and retracts his hand, pulling it close to his chest in a reverent fist. “It is truly an honor to work alongside you.” Lee’s eyes fly open suddenly, his gaze intense, and Neji’s brow furrows. Being on a team with Lee, and with Gai as his sensei, he’s become rather accustomed to these passionate sorts of declarations. But Lee still succeeds in surprising him from time to time.

“I pledge to work twice as hard today, for you,” Lee declares, and reaches out again, not giving Neji the time to react before he’s grabbed by Lee and hoisted to his feet. “Because you deserve a teammate who will put in the same amount of effort!”

Ah, so Lee must’ve correctly guessed that the bruises and shaking were from training earlier today. It’s no real secret that the Hyuga clan trains within their walls, but Neji doesn’t have the heart to tell Lee it’s not necessary.

“You already train harder than any of us,” Neji finds himself saying, and instantly regrets it when Lee turns to him, massive eyes sparkling with tears.

“Neji!” He exclaims, before pulling Neji into a hug. Neji stands, stiff and unresponsive, as Lee clings to him like a spider crab. “That’s the kindest thing you’ve ever said to me!”

Neji kind of regrets it, but he doesn’t say anything. Gently, he detaches himself from Lee, who is still staring at him with watery eyes, and takes a step back.

“Thank you for your help,” Neji says, referring to the wrapping.

It’s the wrong thing to say, apparently, because Lee just starts crying even harder. “It’s what teammates are for!” He declares, before going off to rant about strength and comradery and friendship. Neji’s not sure how to get him to stop. Luckily, Lee pulls himself together before Tenten and Gai show up, but for the rest of their training, he keeps shooting looks at Neji that Neji doesn’t care to decipher.

So instead, Neji just pushes himself harder. He pushes past the dull pain resounding through his body, because it’s what’s expected of him.

But he also acknowledges Lee and Tenten’s efforts, complimenting their strengths and offering advice at appropriate intervals. His teammates seem a bit confused, but not resistant, and Gai-sensei is overjoyed at Neji’s involvement.

Neji doesn’t think he’s doing anything that extraordinary. Just doing his part to help his teammates improve, so that they can perform better as a whole. As Lee himself had said, that’s what teammates are for.

**4; Tenten**

Neji’s headed nowhere in particular, just letting his feet lead him in a winding manner through the village, when he hears Tenten calling his name from one of the windows above him.

He slows, giving time for Tenten to catch up. He hadn’t even noticed he’d entered her neighborhood, but he supposes some company wouldn’t be the worst thing right now.

“Neji!” Tenten says when she finally catches up with him. “What are you up to?”

Neji shrugs, his hands in his pockets. “Walking,” he answers. Tenten shoots him a look.

“Well I figured _that_ one out on my own,” she drawls. “Mind if I join you?”

Neji shrugs. He doesn’t feel much like talking. He doesn’t feel much like anything, really, at the moment.

Tenten knows him well enough to take that as a yes and falls into step with him. They walk for a bit, Tenten chattering and waving to certain villagers, before she turns to Neji, hands on her hips. “Well, what do you say we get something to eat? Or go for some tea?”

Neji’s not particularly hungry, but he lets his teammate drag him towards the nearest tea shop, secretly thankful she chose this over ramen. He’s not sure he can eat right now, and it would be more effort than it’s worth to explain that.

Tenten’s mindless chatter as they’re seated is familiar and soothing, and exactly what Neji needs right now. He’s honestly not sure how long he’d been walking before Tenten joined him; his mind had been preoccupied with dark thoughts, largely related to his most recent encounter with the clan elders. They had summoned him that morning to discuss his ‘defiant behavior’. Apparently, Neji has been taking his status on a genin team for granted; he’s forgotten that he’s only a part of it because the main branch _allows_ it. He is to be a functional and excellent member of the team, but his association with his teammates must go no further than mandatory training and missions. His first priority, forever and always, must be his clan.

Neji had listened to it all, maintaining a cool façade even as fury grew within him as they warned him not to forget his place, not to forget who controlled every aspect of his life. As if he could ever forget.

“Neji? You alright?” Tenten’s questioning voice brings Neji back to the moment, and he blinks at her. She raises an eyebrow. “What’s going on with you?”

Someone has come by with tea, and Neji wraps his fingers around the steaming cup. “Nothing’s going on,” he says.

Tenten rolls her eyes. “Really, Neji? I’m not stupid, you know. You were wandering around the village alone and haven’t been listening to a word I said.” Neji goes to protest, but Tenten holds up her finger. “You’re clearly in a mood, so you can either talk to me about it or at least pretend to pay attention to what I’m saying.”

Neji waits for the anger in him to rise, because she doesn’t get it; no one does. She’s not tethered to her fate the same way he is, like some pebble sinking into murky water, helpless to do anything as the pressure builds. She’s able to go about her day without the shadow of her clan expectations looming over her. 

Neji supposes he might be jealous, in a way. Jealous of everyone who doesn’t have the mark of control branded onto their forehead for all the world to see. And jealousy goes hand in hand with anger.

But the anger doesn’t come. Neji just feels cold. Empty. Sighing, he takes a sip of tea, hoping it will warm him.

It kind of does. Tenten’s still looking at him expectantly.

“Sorry,” Neji says. “It has been… a tiring day.” He lifts his eyes to meet Tenten’s. “What were you saying?”

Tenten smiles patiently, and Neji realizes with a start that she looks worn out. Her eyes are weary, faint bags beneath them, but still, she smiles, something like understanding gleaming in her eyes.

“It’s okay, Neji,” she says, casually taking a bite from a platter of sweet dumplings she must’ve ordered when Neji wasn’t paying attention. “We all have those days.” It sounds dismissive, but it’s not. Tenten is good that way; she knows when to pry, and when not to. And right now, she seems to be picking up on Neji’s mood, because she pushes the dumplings towards him. “Try one of these, they’re the best in the village,” she insists.

Even though he’s not hungry, Neji reaches for one, pops it in his mouth. Tenten smiles brightly at him as he does, and that, combined with the sweetness of the treat, is enough to loosen the knots in his stomach.

**5; Shikamaru**

The massive gates to the village have never looked so inviting, Neji thinks as he nears them. Each step is difficult; Neji’s legs feel leaden as he forces himself to put one foot in front of the other. Just a few more…

The team he’d been working with disperse quickly upon entering the village. Neji knows most of them are headed to the hospital; they’d been ambushed on the tail-end of their mission, still a three-day’s journey back to the village. Neji had acted as lookout, activating the Byakugan almost exclusively with limited sleep for the last three days as they’d made their way back, carrying their wounded and dodging attacks the entire way.

Needless to say, he was completely exhausted. His bones felt like lead, and his head was pounding, like someone had shoved jagged glass into his brain through his optic nerves.

“Neji, you should get checked out,” one of his teammates, an older jonin who took a few hits to the ribs but was otherwise okay, suggests. Neji shakes his head.

“I will after reporting to the Hokage,” he says. His tongue feels heavy. Of course, Neji won’t be going to the hospital; the Hyuga clan has their own medics, and they will assess his needs and treat him adequately once he gets back. He doesn’t expect much special treatment; he just hopes he’ll be able to sleep before he’s summoned for training.

The older ninja’s brow furrows, but he doesn’t say anything, just nods and claps Neji on the shoulder before disappearing.

Finally alone, Neji lets himself sag against the wall of the nearest building, eyes falling closed. He’d kept his composure in the time it took for them to get back, fueled by adrenaline and determination alone, and the pain and exhaustion is catching up rapidly. He feels moments away from collapsing, and with the last of his strength, Neji forces his knees to lock as he shifts so that his back is pressed against the wall, supporting him.

He’ll just… rest here for a little bit.

“Neji?”

Neji tries to open his eyes, he really does. He manages to get them open a sliver and catches sight of a blurry face before he has to slam them closed again as the action sends stabbing pain through his head.

“What,” he manages to say. It’s more of an exhale than anything; his voice is weak to his own ears. He’s still not even sure who’s standing across from him, and not knowing is putting him on edge, heartrate beginning to elevate even as his drained body begs for rest.

“I was going to ask if you’re alright, but I think the answer’s pretty obvious.” Neji’s tired mind is finally able to place the voice; Shikamaru. When Neji doesn’t answer, the boy clicks his tongue. “You just got back from a mission, right? Why aren’t you at the hospital?”

Neji must look as terrible as he feels if Shikamaru thinks he should be in the hospital just by looking at him.

“Need to… report,” Neji gets out, words slow and careful as he focuses on forming them correctly. “Then… home.”

He hates calling the compound _home_ , because it hasn’t been one to him in a long, long time. But it’s the quickest way to get Shikamaru to understand where he’s referring to.

He hears Shikamaru shift, and imagines the other boy crossing his arms. “You planning on taking a nap here first?” He sounds unimpressed, which isn’t unusual for him. Neji wishes he’d just move along so that he can gather himself in peace.

Instead of answering, Neji just exhales, long and slow.

Shikamaru clicks his tongue again. “C’mon,” he says, and Neji feels him step closer, pressing against Neji’s side as he pulls Neji’s arm over his shoulder. “If you’re going to nap, might as well choose a better spot for it.”

With his other arm around Neji’s waist, supporting him, Shikamaru pulls Neji from his position against the wall. Neji doesn’t have the strength to do anything except stumble along with the other boy, but Shikamaru is walking at a slow, even pace, and he doesn’t say anything when Neji leans even more heavily onto him.

“Wasn’t… going… to nap,” Neji finally says.

He can _hear_ Shikamaru’s eyeroll. “Could’ve fooled me,” the other boy says, and his arm tightens minutely on Neji’s waist. “Alright, there’s some stairs here,” Shikamaru warns.

They slowly make their way up. Each step is near excruciating for Neji, and he’s really starting to curse Shikamaru for pulling him away from his perfectly comfortable position on the wall. By the time they make it to the top, Shikamaru is all but carrying Neji.

Neji can’t bring himself to care, though, and if Shikamaru minds, he doesn’t say anything. He just leads him a few steps further, until finally, mercifully, Neji feels himself get lowered down onto the ground.

The sun is warm on his skin, and there’s a light breeze that dances across his face. They must be on a roof of some sort. Neji wants to open his eyes, to see where it is exactly that Shikamaru has taken him, but the pounding in his head has only gotten worse, and he physically can’t force his eyes open.

He senses Shikamaru settle down next to him, near his head. “I come here after missions, sometimes,” the other explains. “It’s a great place to avoid responsibilities.”

Neji huffs a laugh, more of an exhale than anything, and tilts his face towards Shikamaru. His forehead bumps something; Shikamaru’s knee, maybe. Neji knows he’s not thinking straight, because he leans further into it, the pressure providing a bit of relief to his throbbing headache.

If he was thinking straight, there’s no way Neji would be here. He should be at the Hokage’s office right now, or at the very least, back at his clan compound. He knows his uncle and the clan elders will want their own report on the mission, will be suspicious of why he didn’t come straight back, as is expected of him.

But, Neji can’t bring himself to care. Can’t bring himself to do anything, really, except focus on Shikamaru’s knee, on the sun warming his face.

He drifts, nearing unconsciousness, when there’s suddenly a hand on his scalp. Neji tenses, then goes absolutely boneless as Shikamaru runs his fingers through Neji’s hair in a slow, soothing motion. Neji’s never been touched like this before. It’s pleasant, almost unbearably so, and Neji can’t help but lean even further into it.

“Just fall asleep already,” Shikamaru says, sounding annoyed, but Neji can hear something else in his tone – fondness?

Whatever it is, Neji likes it, and he drifts off to the calming ministrations of Shikamaru’s fingers in his hair.

**+1; Neji cares for himself**

Neji’s not sure why he’s doing this. It’s pure self-sabotage; nothing good will come from it, he’s certain.

But still, he _wants_. And he’s never wanted anything like this before, never _allowed_ himself to want something like this before.

It’s strange. Makes him feel out of control. But Neji’s back is aching and his pride is smarting and he’s just so done with the notion of control, right now.

Which is why he dresses himself in his loosest top, pulls his hair away from his back to avoid any extra pressure or sensations on his already tender skin, and sees himself out of his room that night.

Each step pulls at the tight bruises decorating his back, but Neji forces the discomfort to the edges of his mind, focusing on moving slowly and carefully, each step light but purposeful. The night air is cool and fresh and Neji kind of wants to just close his eyes and _breath_.

But he doesn’t; he needs to _leave_ first. He just needs to be somewhere where he isn’t surrounded by walls.

Neji’s never considered himself particularly lucky, but he’s able to make it out of the compound without running into anyone. With each step he takes, he feels himself growing lighter, like a weight is being lifted. The sky is dark and littered with stars, and Neji gazes upwards at it as he walks.

With no true destination in mind, Neji lets his feet lead him into town. There are not many people out due to the late hour, and Neji’s secretly glad of it. He feels like he’s buzzing out of his skin, full of so many conflicting emotions that he’s not sure which to focus on.

After a moment, Neji realizes he’s brought himself back to the stairs leading up to the roof Shikamaru brought him to that one time, after the exhausting mission. He stills, staring at the steps, before beginning to climb them.

When he gets to the top, Neji’s not sure he’s even surprised to see he’s not alone. There’s someone else, sitting further along, features illuminated by the moonlight. Shikamaru.

A complication of emotions arises in Neji, but he smooths his expression out as he approaches the other boy. Shikamaru’s sitting with his eyes closed, face tilted towards the sky. A cigarette smolders in a loose grip between his fingers.

“Avoiding responsibilities at this hour?” Neji asks, before folding his legs beneath him and carefully lowering himself down. He lets out a long, soft breath when the change in movement jostles his back.

Shikamaru doesn’t open his eyes, just quirks a thin brow. “Always. You?”

Neji turns and looks out across the village. He can’t see the walls to his clan’s compound without activating his Byakugan from here, and he’s grateful for it.

“I suppose,” Neji says when he realizes he hasn’t answered Shikamaru yet.

The other boy hums in acknowledgement but doesn’t say anything else.

Neji takes the moment to examine Shikamaru. There’s always been _something_ that he’s associated with the boy, some emotion that Neji can never quite name. He thinks the closest thing to it might be respect. Respect for how Shikamaru is always sure of himself, whether in the heat of a battle or in his decision to nap the day away. He is sure of his decisions, with the ability to think situations out three steps in advance and control them in his favor.

Neji wonders what his life would be like if he could do the same; have control like that. If he could accept Gai’s invitation to dinner without having to think about what his clan might say. If he could talk to Hinata without their hierarchy dictating their interactions. If he could hang out with Tenten and Lee without worrying how it might be seen as ‘defiance’ in the eyes of the clan elders.

If he could go through life without the constant threat of his control being taken from him, with one quick activation of the Seal marking his forehead.

Shikamaru’s eye quirks open, and he catches Neji’s eye. Neji watches as the other boy scans him, almost lazily, taking in his rigid posture, tense shoulders.

“Something happen?” Shikamaru asks, feigning indifference, but his eyes are too sharp, too calculating as the other boy scans Neji up and down. Neji knows that Shikamaru already knows what happened. He’s a genius, and Hyuga clan practices, while not exactly common knowledge, are also not exactly secret.

So Neji doesn’t answer, because there’s nothing to say. His clan dictates his life and there’s not much more to it. Shikamaru doesn’t say anything more, either. He does sit up, though, and scoots closer to Neji, so that there’s mere inches between the two. Neji glances at the space between them. Thinks about how much he’d like to close it.

His heart jumps with the thought that follows next – why not? Why doesn’t Neji do what he wants, this one time? He’s already left the compound, and the storm of emotion within him is slowly calming, settling into something identifiable. Desire.

He _wants_ to be close to Shikamaru. To have the other boy run his fingers through his hair again. Normally, Neji doesn’t care about what he wants. Ignores it, puts the team or his clan or the mission first.

But not tonight. Tonight, Neji just wants to know what it feels like to do something purely because he wishes it.

Slowly, so slowly, he lets himself relax, lets his head start to sink towards Shikamaru, until he’s leaning against the other boy’s shoulder. Shikamaru doesn’t say anything, just shifts a bit closer, letting Neji settle deeper into him.

Neji lets his eyes drift closed. He feels… at ease. Secure.

These emotions, they’re dangerous. But for once, Neji finds that he doesn’t care.

Until Shikamaru brings his fingers to tangle gently in Neji’s hair, and Neji realizes, all at once, that he _does_ care. He cared enough to leave the compound, seek out the one spot where he knew the other boy might be, at the risk of his standing in the clan.

“I can hear you thinking from here,” Shikamaru drawls, and his usual bored tone sounds a little softer. His fingers comb smoothly through Neji’s hair, brushing his scalp, taking care to avoid touching his back. “Just relax already.”

Smiling softly, Neji does.

**Author's Note:**

> hi ! I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing this... I would love to hear your thoughts if you care to share! 
> 
> have a lovely day<3


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